November 2011
1 post
Nov 23rd
64 notes
October 2011
2 posts
Emptyage: Generation X Doesn't Want to Hear It →
Generation X is beyond all that bullshit now. It quit smoking and doing coke a long time ago. It has blood pressure issues and is heavier than it would like to be. It might still take some ecstasy, if it knew where to get some. But probably not. Generation X has to be up really early tomorrow morning.
Oct 18th
2,046 notes
Oct 17th
1,994 notes
September 2011
1 post
“90% of workplace conflicts can be resolved via department dance-off to the song...”
– theCara
Sep 28th
August 2011
1 post
The S&P blames Bush tax cuts, current Republicans...
When your right wing/tea party acquaintances blame Obama for the S&P downgrade, Obama’s only blame is negotiating with them. But don’t quote me - quote S&P: Compared with previous projections, our revised base case scenario now assumes that the 2001 and 2003 tax cuts, due to expire by the end of 2012, remain in place. We have changed our assumption on this because the...
Aug 6th
July 2011
5 posts
Burning Man procrastinators - you may have to find... →
Jul 26th
The 15 top Damn You Autocorrects of all time... →
Wear waterproof mascara, because I am literally crying from laughter as I type this. The NSFW part is only text - iPhones literally autocorrected these screens to NSFW oblivion.
Jul 22nd
Jul 22nd
1 note
“Chillax everyone - Casey Anthony will eventually go to prison when she tries to...”
– theCara
Jul 6th
Jul 4th
June 2011
2 posts
“Who am I? I am living proof that there is no rest for the wicked.”
– theCara
Jun 24th
Jun 21st
Actual conversation with Kaiser Injury Clinic
“I called yesterday - my cat bit me.” “Was it today?” “No, yesterday.” “And what kind of injury was it?” “A bite.” “And did a dog bite you?”
Jun 1st
May 2011
2 posts
May 3rd
April 2011
3 posts
Apr 20th
“If global warming is God hugging us closer, San Francisco just had a God shakes...”
– theCara
Apr 19th
Apr 19th
March 2011
3 posts
Mar 14th
“I stumbled forward. So do I get my hour back tomorrow morning? Or did I donate...”
– theCara
Mar 13th
“Make funny, not war.”
– theCara
Mar 10th
February 2011
1 post
Kate Spencer: Did SXSW Forget To Invite Female... →
katespencer: I am as tired as the next person of the “OMG ARE WOMEN FUNNY? WHERE ARE THE FEMALE COMEDIANS? WOMEN, CREATE THANGZZZ!” conversation, but it also bums me out when I go to eagerly check out the SXSW comedy line up only to discover they’ve apparently booked just one female stand up out of 30+…
Feb 18th
72 notes
December 2010
3 posts
Anonymous asked: Is the beam really only 4" wide??
Dec 25th
Jesus made it official
San Francisco is now officially the gay mecca, aka the gecca. Happy holidays everyone! PS - all about this shot from @mostlylisa here: http://mostlylisa.com/blog/sf-baybridge-rainbow/
Dec 25th
Dec 7th
November 2010
2 posts
Santa + reindeer, all San Francisco-y →
Welcome to the best SF Chronicle front page photo EVER! Well besides the Giants winning the World Series, the 49ers winning the Super Bowl 4x, landing on the moon, Chilean miners, yadda yadda. The best local santa & reindeer front page photo EVER!
Nov 25th
“I was born in another dimension, but I have an anchor baby in reality.”
Nov 5th
October 2010
1 post
2 tags
Oct 15th
3,528 notes
September 2010
8 posts
Sep 23rd
Anonymous asked: anithing lol
Sep 23rd
Sep 21st
TriMet - leave the distracted driving to us! →
Because in Portland, OR, you should leave driving a busload of passengers with your elbow on the I-5 Terwilliger Curves while reading a Kindle to the professionals! Video evidence & article here. Thanks Donna!
Sep 18th
Sep 17th
Dear E! Online - Fashion Police Jr. edition →
Dear E! Online - there are no “stylish celebrity” babies - only the well-dressed hostage offspring of vapid famewhore idiots. Please remember this when Kim Kardashian finally gets sperm-poisoned. Love, Everyone
Sep 16th
In Chicago, I do good →
If a non-profit (The Cara Program) is going to name themselves after me, so glad it’s one that does great work - job training & placement for poverty-stricken and/or homeless people and a “vehicle for true life transformation.” 
Sep 16th
Modern conveniences with Paris Hilton
I’m so grateful for all of our modern conveniences. For example, Twitter made it super-easy and fun for Paris Hilton to incriminate herself. Perjury is the new microwaveable brownies! Paris Hilton owns purse identical to one carrying during cocaine arrest
Sep 2nd
Dear E! Online
Why do you keep sending me opinion polls when you haven’t yet used my previous suggestion of a new reality show where Ryan Seacrest lives in a shark tank? Hilarious roommate situations ensue! The voiceover will just be catty comments by Kathy Griffin, Joan Rivers & his E! co-host Giuliana DiPandi.
Sep 1st
August 2010
7 posts
Phone Threat Grounds Plane at SFO  →
There’s a phone number at SFO where a human actually answers the phone?! Is this a dedicated line just for bomb threats & Domino’s delivery confirmations?
Aug 19th
SF hipster = cradle to grave →
San Francisco is so hipster we invented skinny jeans for babies, since eventually Death Cab for Cutie shows will lead to baby Cuties. Off to guerrilla-market my new line of infant messenger bags…
Aug 17th
Aug 9 - Monday Happy Hour Comedy @ Cafe Royale →
Comedy awesomeness tonight at Cafe Royale, including Alex Koll, Emily Heller & Dhaya Lakshminarayanan. Seriously excited about this month’s show!
Aug 9th
I'm joke of the day on DailyComedy.com! →
Gay marriage flatpack
Aug 6th
Aug 5th
Prop 8 struck down same day as the 2011 IKEA... →
Coincidence - I think not. Who can stop gay marriage with those bookshelves at a new, low price? http://onlinecatalog.ikea-usa.com/2011/ikea_catalog/US/
Aug 5th
July 2010
1 post
Most effective birth control: condoms or the new Arcade Fire album? http://arcadefire.com
Jul 27th
June 2010
2 posts
My organized religion involves PowerPoint, Outlook, and a whip. Keep the wine, add Twinkies.
Jun 17th
Spending a rare evening @ home. Hopefully I’ll remember where I live.
Jun 16th
December 2009
1 post
Dec 2nd